Class Insanity

I recently realized how much of a failure I am at this whole college thing. I honestly wished I would be given a pill to help me focus on my work instead of things that are significantly less important. For example, there is a door decorating contest going on in the dorm I'm living in and even though my new roommate (which by the way, things are way better now) and I are not really focused on the actual contest, we are both extremely excited about decorating our door for the holidays. This being my new focus is truly killing me when it comes to my academics. I have papers, but what do procrastinators do best? Yes, that is correct, we don't do anything important. I have tried my best to stop procrastinating but it seems that the more I try to break my bad habit, the worse it gets. My door will look great, my papers and grades, sadly, will probably suffer. I swear, I hear all of these freshman that act so proud of their abilities to procrastinate but it's a curse, a truly awful curse that does nothing but harm a persons real intellect. I keep telling them to do their homework and to not wait until the last minute, but do they listen? Of course not, I'm just some "old fart" that has learned absolutely nothing about being in college. I have only been here for 5 years and I'm still not done.

To those of you all planning on attending college in the near future, I beg you to actually listen to what I have just said. I know it's more fun to go out and party, hang out with friends or even get distracted by something as lame as decorating your door, but you do not want to be in college for 5 years and still not be on the list of graduating seniors. There is nothing cool about it and you lose so much money.

The thing about this semester is actually quite ironic. I'm so busy with homework and going mad about it all, but I can at least say that this semester is the one that I am most proud of. I have actually kept a good record of homework assignments in my planner and I have yet to miss an assignment. Not to mention, I haven't skipped many classes. I have really only missed due to medical reasons. That is another reason I think my grades this semester have managed to slip a little... okay, in some cases, a lot. I'm a history major and the only classes I'm legitimately doing bad in are history. My American history class I'll be honest with you on, I haven't really tried much. I write a great essay, but in college, the essay is only good enough to get you a D on an exam. I loathe vocabulary words with a passion, but this last exam is my only chance of survival in this class. I have a 10 page paper due on Thursday and then it's the exam. The exam I truly am dreading with every inch of my soul. In order to get credit for a major class, you have to have a C or higher and I've been sitting on a D the entire semester. My other class that I dread is World History. I doubt there is a subject in History that could be more boring. I would rather listen to out of tune vocals to bluegrass music. That surly does say something about the misery world history brings to me every time I have to sit in that retched classroom. I don't think it's the class that bores me so much, I think it's the professors/teachers that I have had in world history. They all do lecture and it just bores me to death. Alexander the zzzzzz. Here is the deal for my world history class. I have to get a B or higher on this grade to make it out alive. The saddest part to this is that I have ANOTHER horrible semester of World History to go. I have to pass, 2 more semesters, I think, might just put me in a crazy hospital of some sort. One can only take so much of one topic before you go absolutely bonkers. English and Math I'm not too terribly worried about. I can get the help I need easily and not go clinically insane from it. Law in American Society, it's a subject I love, but it's a lot like history. I neglect it until the very last minute. I have no idea how my grades are as good as they are but I will be dead honest, I definitely have to step it up a few more notches in order to do GREAT on the exam, thank goodness for open note exams. In law, I'm also having to write a 10-25 page paper, which in a collegiate's experience, that means the paper has to be somewhere between 15 and 20 pages for a decent grade. Thankfully I picked a topic that I found to be quite interesting. I have 22 resources, 15 were required, and although I haven't really started the paper, my outline is moving alone quite nicely and everyone knows that with a strong outline, quickly comes a strong paper. I'm some how not worried at all about this paper, I just know I'll do well on it.

It's time I stop procrastinating and get work done. I've come to learn that homework and studying will no do it's self. That, my dear friends, is only a fantasy.

Holidays

Today, I managed to get well over 12 hours of sleep. It was so great, but at the same time, I should have awoken much earlier in the day. I am so far behind in college, which, I guess, is the predicament more students are in at this point and time. I find that the holidays are the worst things for us. We know roughly when they are and yet they haunt us on a daily basis because we know that come a holiday, comes the end of the holiday and that means that the professors are ready for the end of the semester. Naturally we all are ready, but I don't believe anyone truly looks forward to finals week, final papers, and writing assignments. It's a horrible time.

To make matters worse, while living in the dorms, the Resident Hall Directors are hosting door decorating contests to encourage everyone to get into the holiday spirit. I loathe Christmas with a passion, but I do have good reasoning behind my hatred towards the holiday. It's not very family oriented once you reach a certain age and then, what ever happened to Thanksgiving? The Thanksgiving holiday does not involve greed or financial burdens, or as much of a financial burden, but it is not based on religion; it's why we're here, on the land we are on. Granted, we now know we don't deserve it, but still... it's a time when the white and the natives shook hands and finally got along for a short period of time. Thanksgiving people, it, like Halloween, comes before the jolliest, yet most depressing, holiday of the year. My roommate and I have come to a decision as to what we are doing for our door this year. We both agree that Halloween was too short and Christmas is too long (she absolutely love Christmas though, so I'm like the scrooge in the dorm.).

We are going to represent the greatest Halloween/Christmas movie ever made, in our opinions that is. The Nightmare Before Christmas. At the bottom of the door, we're doing the doors and a picture of both Christmas town and Halloween Town. Then, taking up the majority of our door, Jack Skellington in his Santa Suit standing next to an Oogey Boogey Christmas Tree with the evil presents. Naturally we'll be including the spider snowflake and other normal snowflakes, but it will be so amazing! We know we're likely not to win, but we're doing it as a good representation of us. One that loves Christmas and one that hates Christmas. Bah humbug. If the holiday didn't bring hope to so many people in the world, I'd wish it would be put to an end, but it does change peoples' spirits in a good way so continue being jolly. My room mate and I will be choosing a great quote from the movie here soon. You can not have Jack Skellington without a quote from the movie! To be honest... I think it would be hilarious to make the evil wreath and put that on the door, but I think then our door will be a bit too much! It would, however, be quite intriguing. LOL!

I have already blogged too long now. I suppose it is time for me to get off here and start actually doing my homework since that was my sole intention for today. Homework is never fun because you HAVE to do it in order to get a decent score while in college. Boo. Definitely boo.

I love Tim Burton <3 He's a damn genius... this door of ours is going to be amazing!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful day and don't forget about Thanksgiving... it's a great holiday as well :)

Typical Life of an Average College Kid

Not that anyone is going to read this, but I decided I would come to lash out every so often. I now have a roommate on campus, and although I adore this person dearly, she is so annoying. I have yet to meet someone that can talk as much as her. I hate how some people can just talk, talk, talk, and not seem to realize the people around who are clearly agitated. Being that I am bipolar, I fear for my inability to control my temper at times. An annoyed me is a very angry me, and no one likes me when I'm angry. How is this going to work? I have another semester of this to deal with and she hasn't even lived with me for one week and she is already getting on my nerves. On the bright side she is well aware of my disorder and I have prepared her for the absolute worst. On the other hand, I'm not sure if I have been told of my absolute worst. I have lashed out on so many and came to realization of what I had done soon enough to apologize a million times, but can I save myself this time? Goodness, I'm so worried for future days in my room.

One thing I absolutely can not stand is being judged. It always seems to be a constant battle for me when it comes to the ultimate judgement. I eat one piece of chicken (tiny piece) because I miss out on lunch and I'm too hungry to wait until dinner and all of a sudden, I'm seen as already full. I have absolutely no issue saying I'm a chunky girl. I'm comfortable in my own skin, but why is it that people must always judge. If a skinny girl eats a tiny piece of chicken they're seen as anorexic or something, but a big girl, nah, definitely not okay for her to go to dinner in an hour. Oy! This is reason why I result to my over thinking. Yes, I'm slightly hungry now, and if I want to eat a piece of chicken, I will. LOL!

On a different note, I have a new picture for my computer. It's not my desktop picture or anything fancy of the sort, but it's a picture I hand drew during a totally fake history class that was set up in the science building on campus. Ha, funny story to that. Basically (if this girl - hmmm's- one more time I'm going to scream- erg...), my history professor seen me down the hall on one of the computers and called me over after seeing I was finished. I walk down and he pulls this "they're doing a history of photography session, it should only last about 15 minutes, but they really need people to sit in and listen." Yes, I was that gullible. I completely fell for it and I walked in. First off, I should have realized that there are absolutely no history sessions that last only 15 minutes, least not on a college campus. Secondly, this professor has no business in the science building. He's a well known, well respected man, but an amazing historian. He's a great guy, but apparently knows me better then I know myself. Come on... I might be blonde, but am I truly that gullible.

Oh yes, the picture. During the totally fake lecture, my history professor was talking about Napoleon. No big deal, it's what historians do. Well, the whole part of this lecture was so the photographers could get pictures inside a classroom. I will be the first to tell you that I pray that none of the pictures taken of me make the campus newspaper because I was not looking too good. My hair was falling out of the ponytail, I had on an oversized white t-shirt, navy blue sweats, and tennis shoes. Oh yes, I looked that bad. The other students were very well groomed, their hair done up almost perfectly and they had clothes on that I would wear out to a club or something. Surprisingly enough, I was okay with all of this. I sat at the weird shaped table and I was the only one paying attention to my professors lecture. Back to the photographer. He paused the lecture and asked us students to pretend to listen. I can't pretend to do something I'm actually doing, I'm a history major, I'm going to pay attention. I did the next best thing though. I started "writing" down the notes. In other words, I was drawing images of what all he had described. He then started talking about Napoleon, for the third time, ha, many breaks in between the photo shoot. I drew, poorly that is, a stick figured man, standing tall with feet, arms one hand (the other was hidden), a Trojan helmet, a shield, and a short sword. The stick mans arms were straight out from each other like he's about to hug someone, in one hand, he's holding a shield, the other, he's madly gripping the sword, absolutely prepared for battle. While all of this is going down, my professor from out of the blue shouts CHARGE!!! You ask what I did next? Yes, I drew the speech bubble and wrote out CHAAARRRRGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Underneath my beautiful portrait of the stick figured Napoleon, I wrote Napoleon [insert professors last name here]. At the end of the photo shoot, the photographer asked if we had learned something. All the other students laughed and exited the room, but me, no, I stood up proudly and said, "I took amazing notes!" The professor walked over to me and snatched my paper from my hand and looked and he said, "wow, just like in class!" Just to make things clear, I don't doodle in class and I have the millions of pages of notes to prove so, lol! He did get a very good laugh out of my doodle, as did the photography staff. It was so funny, and then my professor hands me back the paper and told me to sign the picture and he actually gave me extra credit for doing it. Ha, I would never had believed it, but that man, I just know it, but I know that man had something up his sleeve. I had missed a few of his classes and as you all would suspect, it kind of hurt my grade. Life of being medically ill practically all of the time. He knew I needed the extra points and he found a way to do so. I know it seems irrational, no professor is supposed to really do that without offering it to every one of his students, but I like to think that he just wanted to help me out academically.

Now thinking about it, I wonder if he still has the picture I drew in his totally fake history class.

If you do actually read this blog, I hope you enjoy. This really helped me and it's always nice to have a place to rant when you clearly can't go to someones face about it. Ha!

For now, so long, farewell, and have a nice day/night. I trust yours will go by much happier then mine has today, but I can't complain too much. I'm alive and finally well for the time being. It's real homework time. Bah humbug!

Tschau!

P.S. I you all enjoy the pic and all of its ridiculousness. ^_^

Life today

I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, so, as an update on my personal life, I have been doing much better...well at least about the whole I'm hated and depressed situation.
Today, was not at all normal. My best friend woke me up this morning about 9am. I was really confused about the noises she was making. I got up and looked at her, and seen her shaking and breathing really weird. She, in fact, was having a seizure. I asked her if she was okay. She replied "I think so..." about 20 minutes later her breathing got much worse, and told me that she couldn't breath. I asked her if she wanted me to call the school nurse and she said "NO." About 10 minutes later, she was still complaining about her not breathing well, so I ignored her, and called the nurse. So, the nurse came to my room and watched her shake and breath weird for like 10 minutes, and then she told me to call another person that works in the student development office, and that woman called the ambulance. To make these next 20 minutes go by faster, the volunteer ambulance peoples came to my room, and took my friend to the hospital. I was so upset, it was so scary seeing my best friend on the gurney, shaking, and just not being the friend that I know. But, I also realized that the girl inside my friends body, wasn't actually my friend, it was one of her many personalities, Madison Reed. Madison Reed is a girl who is scared about almost everything, and I am the only one Miss Madison really trusts. I called my friends step mom and told her my thoughts and I also filled her in on the current situation.
They finally get the seizure to stop after 1 hour and 45 minutes, and 20 minutes later, she started another seizure. This seizure lasted 50 minutes. So, I've been upset, worried, concerned, and really sad...I honestly did not know what to do!
But, as far as I know, my friend is done seizing for the time being (hopefully it stays that way!!!)
Oh what a day it has been.
I have been so happy the last few days, I've been hanging out with my best friend, and the greatest people I have ever met-SAI...SAI is by far the best organization out there. My sisters have supported me in my decisions, my sad times, they've just been there so much for me. I am so glad that I have people like them to help me get through this long, horrible, sad day!!!

Where did the rain go?

This week has been the worse ever. You know the whole story where, when a girl and a guy get together and end up having an accidental thing happen, for example-getting drunk and that night you end up giving something up that you've planned on saving for the right time. Fine-you lose your virginity! Well this is the beginning of my extremely bad week.
My life was great before this happened. I had so many friends that I thought would always be on my side, I didn't and still don't have a boyfriend but I was okay with that. My friends (or so called...I haven't quite figured that out yet...) are members of a Greek organization, and ever since I got to know them really well, I've wanted to be apart of what they had. A true sisterhood and a bond that could never be broken. I thought that it would have been so amazing to call all of them "sister."
This last Friday this Greek organization decided to go out and have fun with the perspective members (future pledges). We went to a house and we were all having lots of fun. Well a few of us decided to stay at the house because we knew we were way to intoxicated to go back to the school (lol). Well this guy and I got very intimate with each other and I ended up losing my precious virginity to a guy I didn't exactly know all that well. The next morning I get up, get my friend and we go back to school. The guy called me and we decided that it would be a very good idea to get the morning after pill, just to be on the safe side-GOOD IDEA :)
The Greek's that took me to this house found out about everything I had done and let me tell you...it hasn't been easy these last few days.
I don't know about anything anymore. I'm pretty sure that I am not going to be apart of this sisterhood that I had intended on being apart of. I've lost so many of my friends, I walk around the campus and I get these horrible glares at me, I watch so many people talking about me, and this whole time I'm smiling and pretending that I have no idea about what's going on.
It is the worst feeling ever, when you know that you're all alone and you have no one to talk to. I honestly wish everyday that something would happen to me to make people feel sorry about the things they have said. I didn't want things to end up like this at all, but my luck is really bad and too make things that much harder, I only have one friend I can count on and she's not a serious person at all. I hate the spotlight being on me and I am honestly going through this all on my own...why? Because no one even cares about how I feel anymore. The guy is not having any problems at all-he just gets a nice slap in the ass, but not me, not the girl, I just get looked at like a slut!
I was told today that I was avoiding the Greek organization (the one I was talking about earlier) but I am only one person and there are about 8 of them. You'd think that one or two of them would come and talk to me or help me get through this hell, but nope-even that is my fault. I'm sorry about all of my complaints, I really should just move on, but I feel like I need to get this off of my chest.
I've never been a person who could handle stress, so hopefully this may help.

Thank you for reading my blog...if you actually do read it!
and If you are one of these people, then you can finally see what I'm really going through!

Love,
The girl who is not dancing in the rain!

I'll have to post a poem that I wrote two years ago so you can understand me!