Stress to the Max

I finally got the dieting thing under control, I'm not officially down 10 lbs and 2.5 inches, it's very exciting. Unfortunately, since the dieting thing started, I've been getting exceedingly angrier. I hate my roommate now, I love her but I so hate her. I don't know what it is about her but she is SERIOUSLY pissing me off and it's not just once of twice a week, it's about 5 times a day. I can't take it and I'm naturally angry as it is. I'm so worried she's going to piss me off to the point that I hit her. I dream about it all the time but thankfully I can hold back that side of my anger. I think it's time I go talk to a shrink or something - the school shrink because she might be able to get me out of this damn room. This is worse than I would imagine prison being. MUCH worse.

At first, my roommate just couldn't shut up. I could ignore that (it irritated the piss out of me but I could do it.) Now she has learned how to be quiet, but she's always complaining about having homework but she never stops watching tv. TV is loud, tv is annoying... I have a damn 10 page paper to do over a book I've tried reading at least 5 times but I never can because of her. The only subject I get peace and quiet for is English and I'll be damned if the girl doesn't walk in right as I'm in the freaking middle of writing. I've had the talk with her, about how she needs to shut the hell up and get the hell out of the room from time to time, but it's like my words were like a damn wind tunnel through her thick ass head. I'm being annoyed so much that I'm having a difficult time projecting my personal thoughts right now. If you can't blog because of one person, you've got some serious issues.

Posted as it was left in my drafts, lol-oops!

Operation Blubber Clubber Day 1

As you all have hopefully seen in my last blog, I have decided to change my lifestyle. The start of my day was unfortunately not eventful but as my friends and I went to brunch at the school cafeteria, I surprisingly reminded myself of the importance of today. No! Think about it before you get in any of the lines. I went and got into the line with the steamed vegetables and spaghetti. I know, spaghetti isn't exactly a good thing for me but I knew that today was a big day. I didn't want to start my diet off with rabbit food or tasteless boring food. Instead, I wanted to start my new diet off with food that I like to eat because if I don't learn how to eat my favorite foods than I'll never get this diet to work. I know myself all too well sometimes but that is a good thing. I ate spaghetti and vegetables and drank water, yes, water. I usually skip the veggies, go straight to the soda and eat until I'm beyond full. Today, I had one plate, only one, I was still a little on the hungry side, but I left any way. I entered my meal into the calorie counter and *drum roll please*, 608 calories. I usually eat 2000 calories in one meal so this is a HUGE improvement. If I cut my portions down now, who knows, in a week, I might be cutting those portions down. I don't want to starve, I don't want to give up on food I like, I just want to be a lot healthier in my choices that I make. I don't wish to be 120 lbs, I just want to be healthy. My goal right now is to get down to 200 lbs. I know that is still "fat" but that's 32 lbs of fat gone. That's a huge deal to someone my size. After I ate, I immediately started rearranging the room. I worked tirelessly for 6 hours just moving the room around. That's a lot of lifting moving around the room constantly, pushing well over 100+ lbs, and in my exercise section of the calorie counter, I only said I walked lightly for 2 hours. As you see, I did more, but I gave the benefit of the doubt. For dinner, I ate a small portion of roast beef, mashed potatoes and gravy, carrots, broccoli and a honey crisp apple for dessert. Sounds like a lot, but once again, I was still hungry after I left, but I'm okay with that. 647 Calories total for dinner. So far, at 9:21pm I am at 1465, I forgot about my apple I had at dinner and had to add it to the calorie counter - lol. I could totally eat 5 granola bars and still be under my 2000 set limit. Don't worry, I'm not going to do that. My granola bars are for when I take my meds at night because I have to eat when I take them because I get sick if I don't. I so hope tomorrow goes better than today but I'm definitely not ashamed of how well it went. Tomorrow is when the study exercising begins. I will be going on the bike for when I need to highlight in books and when I just have to read, I'll be on the treadmill. I'm also hoping to be able to read on the climber. I need to take it slow at the start of my workout plan, but who knows, maybe when I am doing this in 3 weeks I might be able to last longer on the exercise equipment.

Who's proud? I AM!

If this diet really works, I so hope to share this with college friends. They're seeing my attitude and it's so different. I'm not going to the dessert bar, I'm making one stop for food and one stop for a nice refreshing H2O! BLAM!

Operation Blubber Clubber

I don't have low self-esteem issues, I'm not depressed, mad - absolutely, but I have started to really notice my size and lets face it, my meds are turning me into a fatty. I haven't always been a big girl, but I have never minded being one. I mind that I can't go up 4 flights of stairs without resuming the fat person leaning against the wall, gasping for air and water. Don't get me wrong, it makes me laugh, but I remember 5 years ago when I first started college and I could quite literally run up the stairs, not need water or have to gasp for air. I was kind of big... size 11-13 pants and let me tell you I was extremely happy. Now, I'm kicking it in size 18 jeans and I'm attempting to actually get away with the muffin top and it's so not cute.

My appearance is not beautiful. My thoughts are still that I just don't care what other people think about me but ... it's not really bothering other people now... it's bothering me. I keep talking about the past; how I used to be skinny, how I used to do gymnastics, I could climb a rope without knots in it with no problem at all, I played softball, football, danced minimally and I was always outside having a jolly time. I wrestled, I was in track and could run the mile - not quickly, but I could do it without having to stop and breath. Ever since my accident in track 9 years ago, I have been full of excuses... I can't do that, it hurts too bad; I can't do that anymore because my arm isn't strong enough anymore. You know what, I screwed the muscle up and yes, I know that I can't do SOME of the things like I used to be able to do... I can't do the lateral pull-downs, bench press, or unsupported bicep curls but I can do other things to strengthen my right arm. Even if I have to do curls for an hour while my elbow rests on a support, I will do it. But the think I was thinking of the most was how to incorporate my school work with my absolutely need to do some form of exercise. I'm going to be diagnosed with something incurable if I don't stop my habits now. I finally got myself to that point where I can manage time so what better time than now? That's right... there isn't a better time. It's all about the way I eat and getting the exercise I've long since been needing. If any of you have a workout plan that would work for a college student that lives in the dorm, comment away. I'm beyond desperate.

Here is what I have in mind for "Operation Blubber Clubber:" 1. Eat healthier and LESS portions but keep up with the water and drop soda like it's hot - I know getting something more nutrient rich, like gatorade, is important as well but mostly - water. 2. If I need to read a book for class, well... why not move while doing it? There is a free gym on campus and what better to do than walk (for now) on a treadmill or hop on the bike if I have to highlight. That alone would help - I'm a history major and I'm in 2 history classes, english, math and science. I have things to do all the time. In the mornings, I could do 5 standing crunches for every article of clothing I put on and when it comes time for me to have to take my meds, I won't eat a full meal. I'm going to buy some granola bars, but I'll have to hide them from my roommate because that girl ate ALL of them the last time I bought them... shhhhhheesh. I can't do the whole fiber diet because I'm in class and fiber can be dangerous if you can't go when you have to go - lol. I can try a diet pill of some sort but they all sound the same to me and I just don't know how a simple little pill can really help a girl in my situation. I am currently taking One-a-Day Women's Active Metabolism vitamin and it says Dietary Supplement so maybe I should just stick with that because I don't want to over dose on dietary supplements - lol... that would be bad.

My goal is to lose weight the right way and I am recruiting friends of mine to join with me. I mean, every college student could use the exercise. Especially my friends- no offense, we're some lazy people- lol. I want to graduate from college and be able to say that I lose weight. Be proud to look at myself in the mirror again and feel better about myself over all. If I get any bigger, I know I'll end up hitting a huge depression. I'm currently 232 lbs. Yes, I'm a woman and I not only told my pant size- which is probably more like size 20 than 18, lol, but I told my weight. This is embarrassing for me but I will do what I need to do in order to lose the weight.

I don't regret this choice I have made. I think if Operation Blubber Clubber actually starts to work, I'm going to buy myself my very first ipod so I can listen to my jams (wished I could just get Pandora radio) while working out.

Wish me luck... this girl is on a mission and I truly hope that the next time I blog I will have started the operation or even better, lost some weight. A step-by-step might even be in order. I'm going to start right now- salad... here I come!!! BLAM!!!!

Class Insanity

I recently realized how much of a failure I am at this whole college thing. I honestly wished I would be given a pill to help me focus on my work instead of things that are significantly less important. For example, there is a door decorating contest going on in the dorm I'm living in and even though my new roommate (which by the way, things are way better now) and I are not really focused on the actual contest, we are both extremely excited about decorating our door for the holidays. This being my new focus is truly killing me when it comes to my academics. I have papers, but what do procrastinators do best? Yes, that is correct, we don't do anything important. I have tried my best to stop procrastinating but it seems that the more I try to break my bad habit, the worse it gets. My door will look great, my papers and grades, sadly, will probably suffer. I swear, I hear all of these freshman that act so proud of their abilities to procrastinate but it's a curse, a truly awful curse that does nothing but harm a persons real intellect. I keep telling them to do their homework and to not wait until the last minute, but do they listen? Of course not, I'm just some "old fart" that has learned absolutely nothing about being in college. I have only been here for 5 years and I'm still not done.

To those of you all planning on attending college in the near future, I beg you to actually listen to what I have just said. I know it's more fun to go out and party, hang out with friends or even get distracted by something as lame as decorating your door, but you do not want to be in college for 5 years and still not be on the list of graduating seniors. There is nothing cool about it and you lose so much money.

The thing about this semester is actually quite ironic. I'm so busy with homework and going mad about it all, but I can at least say that this semester is the one that I am most proud of. I have actually kept a good record of homework assignments in my planner and I have yet to miss an assignment. Not to mention, I haven't skipped many classes. I have really only missed due to medical reasons. That is another reason I think my grades this semester have managed to slip a little... okay, in some cases, a lot. I'm a history major and the only classes I'm legitimately doing bad in are history. My American history class I'll be honest with you on, I haven't really tried much. I write a great essay, but in college, the essay is only good enough to get you a D on an exam. I loathe vocabulary words with a passion, but this last exam is my only chance of survival in this class. I have a 10 page paper due on Thursday and then it's the exam. The exam I truly am dreading with every inch of my soul. In order to get credit for a major class, you have to have a C or higher and I've been sitting on a D the entire semester. My other class that I dread is World History. I doubt there is a subject in History that could be more boring. I would rather listen to out of tune vocals to bluegrass music. That surly does say something about the misery world history brings to me every time I have to sit in that retched classroom. I don't think it's the class that bores me so much, I think it's the professors/teachers that I have had in world history. They all do lecture and it just bores me to death. Alexander the zzzzzz. Here is the deal for my world history class. I have to get a B or higher on this grade to make it out alive. The saddest part to this is that I have ANOTHER horrible semester of World History to go. I have to pass, 2 more semesters, I think, might just put me in a crazy hospital of some sort. One can only take so much of one topic before you go absolutely bonkers. English and Math I'm not too terribly worried about. I can get the help I need easily and not go clinically insane from it. Law in American Society, it's a subject I love, but it's a lot like history. I neglect it until the very last minute. I have no idea how my grades are as good as they are but I will be dead honest, I definitely have to step it up a few more notches in order to do GREAT on the exam, thank goodness for open note exams. In law, I'm also having to write a 10-25 page paper, which in a collegiate's experience, that means the paper has to be somewhere between 15 and 20 pages for a decent grade. Thankfully I picked a topic that I found to be quite interesting. I have 22 resources, 15 were required, and although I haven't really started the paper, my outline is moving alone quite nicely and everyone knows that with a strong outline, quickly comes a strong paper. I'm some how not worried at all about this paper, I just know I'll do well on it.

It's time I stop procrastinating and get work done. I've come to learn that homework and studying will no do it's self. That, my dear friends, is only a fantasy.

Holidays

Today, I managed to get well over 12 hours of sleep. It was so great, but at the same time, I should have awoken much earlier in the day. I am so far behind in college, which, I guess, is the predicament more students are in at this point and time. I find that the holidays are the worst things for us. We know roughly when they are and yet they haunt us on a daily basis because we know that come a holiday, comes the end of the holiday and that means that the professors are ready for the end of the semester. Naturally we all are ready, but I don't believe anyone truly looks forward to finals week, final papers, and writing assignments. It's a horrible time.

To make matters worse, while living in the dorms, the Resident Hall Directors are hosting door decorating contests to encourage everyone to get into the holiday spirit. I loathe Christmas with a passion, but I do have good reasoning behind my hatred towards the holiday. It's not very family oriented once you reach a certain age and then, what ever happened to Thanksgiving? The Thanksgiving holiday does not involve greed or financial burdens, or as much of a financial burden, but it is not based on religion; it's why we're here, on the land we are on. Granted, we now know we don't deserve it, but still... it's a time when the white and the natives shook hands and finally got along for a short period of time. Thanksgiving people, it, like Halloween, comes before the jolliest, yet most depressing, holiday of the year. My roommate and I have come to a decision as to what we are doing for our door this year. We both agree that Halloween was too short and Christmas is too long (she absolutely love Christmas though, so I'm like the scrooge in the dorm.).

We are going to represent the greatest Halloween/Christmas movie ever made, in our opinions that is. The Nightmare Before Christmas. At the bottom of the door, we're doing the doors and a picture of both Christmas town and Halloween Town. Then, taking up the majority of our door, Jack Skellington in his Santa Suit standing next to an Oogey Boogey Christmas Tree with the evil presents. Naturally we'll be including the spider snowflake and other normal snowflakes, but it will be so amazing! We know we're likely not to win, but we're doing it as a good representation of us. One that loves Christmas and one that hates Christmas. Bah humbug. If the holiday didn't bring hope to so many people in the world, I'd wish it would be put to an end, but it does change peoples' spirits in a good way so continue being jolly. My room mate and I will be choosing a great quote from the movie here soon. You can not have Jack Skellington without a quote from the movie! To be honest... I think it would be hilarious to make the evil wreath and put that on the door, but I think then our door will be a bit too much! It would, however, be quite intriguing. LOL!

I have already blogged too long now. I suppose it is time for me to get off here and start actually doing my homework since that was my sole intention for today. Homework is never fun because you HAVE to do it in order to get a decent score while in college. Boo. Definitely boo.

I love Tim Burton <3 He's a damn genius... this door of ours is going to be amazing!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful day and don't forget about Thanksgiving... it's a great holiday as well :)

Typical Life of an Average College Kid

Not that anyone is going to read this, but I decided I would come to lash out every so often. I now have a roommate on campus, and although I adore this person dearly, she is so annoying. I have yet to meet someone that can talk as much as her. I hate how some people can just talk, talk, talk, and not seem to realize the people around who are clearly agitated. Being that I am bipolar, I fear for my inability to control my temper at times. An annoyed me is a very angry me, and no one likes me when I'm angry. How is this going to work? I have another semester of this to deal with and she hasn't even lived with me for one week and she is already getting on my nerves. On the bright side she is well aware of my disorder and I have prepared her for the absolute worst. On the other hand, I'm not sure if I have been told of my absolute worst. I have lashed out on so many and came to realization of what I had done soon enough to apologize a million times, but can I save myself this time? Goodness, I'm so worried for future days in my room.

One thing I absolutely can not stand is being judged. It always seems to be a constant battle for me when it comes to the ultimate judgement. I eat one piece of chicken (tiny piece) because I miss out on lunch and I'm too hungry to wait until dinner and all of a sudden, I'm seen as already full. I have absolutely no issue saying I'm a chunky girl. I'm comfortable in my own skin, but why is it that people must always judge. If a skinny girl eats a tiny piece of chicken they're seen as anorexic or something, but a big girl, nah, definitely not okay for her to go to dinner in an hour. Oy! This is reason why I result to my over thinking. Yes, I'm slightly hungry now, and if I want to eat a piece of chicken, I will. LOL!

On a different note, I have a new picture for my computer. It's not my desktop picture or anything fancy of the sort, but it's a picture I hand drew during a totally fake history class that was set up in the science building on campus. Ha, funny story to that. Basically (if this girl - hmmm's- one more time I'm going to scream- erg...), my history professor seen me down the hall on one of the computers and called me over after seeing I was finished. I walk down and he pulls this "they're doing a history of photography session, it should only last about 15 minutes, but they really need people to sit in and listen." Yes, I was that gullible. I completely fell for it and I walked in. First off, I should have realized that there are absolutely no history sessions that last only 15 minutes, least not on a college campus. Secondly, this professor has no business in the science building. He's a well known, well respected man, but an amazing historian. He's a great guy, but apparently knows me better then I know myself. Come on... I might be blonde, but am I truly that gullible.

Oh yes, the picture. During the totally fake lecture, my history professor was talking about Napoleon. No big deal, it's what historians do. Well, the whole part of this lecture was so the photographers could get pictures inside a classroom. I will be the first to tell you that I pray that none of the pictures taken of me make the campus newspaper because I was not looking too good. My hair was falling out of the ponytail, I had on an oversized white t-shirt, navy blue sweats, and tennis shoes. Oh yes, I looked that bad. The other students were very well groomed, their hair done up almost perfectly and they had clothes on that I would wear out to a club or something. Surprisingly enough, I was okay with all of this. I sat at the weird shaped table and I was the only one paying attention to my professors lecture. Back to the photographer. He paused the lecture and asked us students to pretend to listen. I can't pretend to do something I'm actually doing, I'm a history major, I'm going to pay attention. I did the next best thing though. I started "writing" down the notes. In other words, I was drawing images of what all he had described. He then started talking about Napoleon, for the third time, ha, many breaks in between the photo shoot. I drew, poorly that is, a stick figured man, standing tall with feet, arms one hand (the other was hidden), a Trojan helmet, a shield, and a short sword. The stick mans arms were straight out from each other like he's about to hug someone, in one hand, he's holding a shield, the other, he's madly gripping the sword, absolutely prepared for battle. While all of this is going down, my professor from out of the blue shouts CHARGE!!! You ask what I did next? Yes, I drew the speech bubble and wrote out CHAAARRRRGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Underneath my beautiful portrait of the stick figured Napoleon, I wrote Napoleon [insert professors last name here]. At the end of the photo shoot, the photographer asked if we had learned something. All the other students laughed and exited the room, but me, no, I stood up proudly and said, "I took amazing notes!" The professor walked over to me and snatched my paper from my hand and looked and he said, "wow, just like in class!" Just to make things clear, I don't doodle in class and I have the millions of pages of notes to prove so, lol! He did get a very good laugh out of my doodle, as did the photography staff. It was so funny, and then my professor hands me back the paper and told me to sign the picture and he actually gave me extra credit for doing it. Ha, I would never had believed it, but that man, I just know it, but I know that man had something up his sleeve. I had missed a few of his classes and as you all would suspect, it kind of hurt my grade. Life of being medically ill practically all of the time. He knew I needed the extra points and he found a way to do so. I know it seems irrational, no professor is supposed to really do that without offering it to every one of his students, but I like to think that he just wanted to help me out academically.

Now thinking about it, I wonder if he still has the picture I drew in his totally fake history class.

If you do actually read this blog, I hope you enjoy. This really helped me and it's always nice to have a place to rant when you clearly can't go to someones face about it. Ha!

For now, so long, farewell, and have a nice day/night. I trust yours will go by much happier then mine has today, but I can't complain too much. I'm alive and finally well for the time being. It's real homework time. Bah humbug!

Tschau!

P.S. I you all enjoy the pic and all of its ridiculousness. ^_^

Life today

I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog, so, as an update on my personal life, I have been doing much better...well at least about the whole I'm hated and depressed situation.
Today, was not at all normal. My best friend woke me up this morning about 9am. I was really confused about the noises she was making. I got up and looked at her, and seen her shaking and breathing really weird. She, in fact, was having a seizure. I asked her if she was okay. She replied "I think so..." about 20 minutes later her breathing got much worse, and told me that she couldn't breath. I asked her if she wanted me to call the school nurse and she said "NO." About 10 minutes later, she was still complaining about her not breathing well, so I ignored her, and called the nurse. So, the nurse came to my room and watched her shake and breath weird for like 10 minutes, and then she told me to call another person that works in the student development office, and that woman called the ambulance. To make these next 20 minutes go by faster, the volunteer ambulance peoples came to my room, and took my friend to the hospital. I was so upset, it was so scary seeing my best friend on the gurney, shaking, and just not being the friend that I know. But, I also realized that the girl inside my friends body, wasn't actually my friend, it was one of her many personalities, Madison Reed. Madison Reed is a girl who is scared about almost everything, and I am the only one Miss Madison really trusts. I called my friends step mom and told her my thoughts and I also filled her in on the current situation.
They finally get the seizure to stop after 1 hour and 45 minutes, and 20 minutes later, she started another seizure. This seizure lasted 50 minutes. So, I've been upset, worried, concerned, and really sad...I honestly did not know what to do!
But, as far as I know, my friend is done seizing for the time being (hopefully it stays that way!!!)
Oh what a day it has been.
I have been so happy the last few days, I've been hanging out with my best friend, and the greatest people I have ever met-SAI...SAI is by far the best organization out there. My sisters have supported me in my decisions, my sad times, they've just been there so much for me. I am so glad that I have people like them to help me get through this long, horrible, sad day!!!